Part 4. Bipolar and recreational drugs.

The Before and After series deals with different aspects of life and how I experience them related to Bipolar 11 episodes.  Bipolar and recreational drugs sound like a bad idea… but many of us do it anyway.

Recreational drugs removed the anxiety of Bipolar 11, but only while the party was going

The story here is short. The only recreation drugs I have taken are MDMA, or Ecstasy, and Coke. I don’t like Coke – too edgy and I feel singular and detached.  Now Ecstasy is another story.

I spent four to five years taking Ecstasy – on weekends, with different phases of intensity.  In low quantities, comparatively, not more than one pill a night.  I felt euphoric.  Beautifully connected to those I liked and loved, totally vulnerable, yet totally safe and strong.  Empathy coursed through my body.

I was content to sit by myself in a thumping club or at a small house party, my heart bursting with warmth and opening up to the universe.  I remained still while hosting people by my side for a chat, or lost myself in a dance before my legs became lame.  All the things I like – norepinephfrine, dopamine and serotonin – moving in large quantities in my brain.

The come-down from recreational drugs brought on depression

I can confirm now that I was Bipolar before I took Ecstasy, even if I didn’t know it.  I was 18 when I suffered my first depression and 25 when I discovered that Ecstasy allowed me to rise above my depression and the world.

However, the feeling of being filled up to bursting point, and then wound-out like a rag, makes for a scary come down.  The depression and anxiety I brought on between weekends was heavy to bear, but never enough to turn down the next opportunity.  The cycle of driving the hypomania and trying to avoid the depressions with the next pill came to a natural end as I took on more life responsibility.  Thank God.

Bipolar and recreational drugs generally result in depression in my experience.  And the sad statistic is that people with Bipolar or other mental disorders are twice as likely to use recreational drugs.  We often self-medicate, using substances to chase the high or stave off the depression.

The long-term impact of recreational drugs on Bipolar?

I haven’t taken recreational drugs for years – at least since my early 30s and my first child.  I am a little more educated and a little less careless now.  And I am also now mad for self-preservation. I am on a Bipolar cocktail of drugs from Dr L, which are definitely not recreational.

But I wonder, quietly to myself, if my recreational drug use made my Bipolar condition worse.  And if the hypomania and deep, long depressions I now experience could have been lessened in their severity. If I had known earlier to look after my brain.

Updated:  here is an interesting article on the effect of MDMA or ‘E’ on Bipolar.

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