Before and After. Part 4. Recreational drugs and bipolar.
The Before and After series deals with different aspects of life and how I experience them related to Bipolar !!.
The story here is short with high impact. The only recreation drugs I have taken are Ecstasy and Coke. I don’t like Coke – too edgy and I feel singular and detached. Now Ecstasy is another story.
I spent four to five years taking “E” – on weekends, with different phases of intensity. In low quantities, comparatively, not more than one pill a night. I felt euphoric. Beautifully connected to those I liked and loved, totally vulnerable and totally safe and strong. Content to be quiet in a club or at a small house party, my heart bursting with warmth and opening up to universe. Hosting people for a chat, losing myself in a dance before my legs became lame. All the things I like – norepinephfrine, dopamine and serotonin – moving in large quantities in my brain.
I can confirm now that I was bipolar before I took Ecstasy, even if I didn’t know it. I was 18 when I suffered my first depression and 25 when I discovered that a pill allowed me to rise above myself and the world. The feeling of being filled up to bursting point and wound-out like a rage makes for a scary come down. The depression and anxiety I brought on between weekends was heavy to shoulder, but never enough to turn down the next opportunity.
I haven’t taken recreational drugs for years – at least since my early 30s and my first child. I am a little more educated and a little less careless now. And self-preservation mad.
But I wonder, quietly to myself, if my drug use made my condition worse.