Blip number two in my Alcohol Free experiment

Sitting having mothers day breakfast on my own.  That was the start of the day which ended with me drunk at a friends house on Sunday evening.  At least I called Hubby to come and collect me, so I didn’t drive home drunk.

I want to remind myself of the sets of triggers and associations, and use this blog to process what happened.  After 560 days Alcohol Free on my OneYearNoBeer challenge, I hit the “fuck it button”. I think the set of circumstances may happen again and I would love to hop back onto my blog and remind myself before I take this path again.  The stakes are higher than ever and I want to avoid lashing out like I did. 

Because no mistake, I was lashing out… at myself, my Hubby and an “unfair” life.  My inner child stomping her foot and saying, “why me” followed by feelings of fear and isolation.  Quickly followed by the teenager saying, “fuck you all I am doing this on my own; just you watch me ruin myself.”  The adult me is now writing this all down, saying “god help you girl, be careful with your word: there are some things which you cannot take back”.

So back to the breakfast.  After waking up super early, as I have been doing for the last three months while dealing with a mixed episode, I took myself off to moms-day breakfast. Hubby joined me and I showed him the house I wanted to view – a three bedroom which explicitly excluded his kids. Yes, we are still happily married a week later, which is beyond understanding.  If my partner did that to me, I would have thrown coffee in his face and be out of there by now. I believe its because he is genuinely a good guy, clearly loves me a lot, and after eight years, is starting to understand my manic and depressive episodes.  And I have been more manic during this episode. 

After breakfast there was nails with a friend and some light shopping. Which was pointed out by my sister to be more heavy and impulsive shopping than I had thought.  The afternoon is a blur, and at some point I poured myself a glass of red and took it to bed with me. I didn’t drink it because it didn’t taste as good as I had expected. Did that stop me? Well somehow by 5pm I had worked up to getting in my car to buy cigarettes or go straight to my drinking friend’s house.  I am sure I called her, as I remember thinking she already sounded tipsy from a boozy Sunday lunch. And of course I must come over. 

Four hours, three glasses of wine and three strawberry-something shooters later, I was sheepishly picked up by Hubby and driven home.  This is after 1.5 years of sobriety, excluding the 2 glasses of wine experiment earlier in my Alcohol Free journey.

OK, enough with the chronology.  You can see I am trying to work out the sequence of events, but the missing piece seems to be Sunday afternoon. Did I work myself up into a frenzy? All the signs of hypomania were there… early rising (we are talking 3.30am here people), breakfast on my own, house hunting on my own, shopping. 

Let’s get down to my learnings, and here I am being brutally honest:

1. I used my drinking buddy, because she is a rescuer and will always be there for when I have a personal crisis and fall down, especially if I am smoking and drinking.  If I fall down without drinking and smoking, I don’t go to her.  I would not say I am proud of this behaviour. Its unfair to both of us and makes use of old patterns in this friendship which go back years and years and have the same outcome.  Tears on her side as she gets more hysterical and nostalgic and no doubt this is blackout time for her, as the same stories are repeated the next time she has too many.

I don’t want to use my drinking buddy again because she drinks.  I will move our friendship to sober breakfasts only.

• I am capable of hurting my husband where it’s the most sensitive.  This includes my non-acceptance of his son when I am in an episode. Hubby says I always hone in on someone who is fucking up my life when I am in an episode. For the past few episodes, it has been his son who gets the full weight of my wrath. I lash out directly by explaining how poor him and his ex have parented and protected this 19-year-old; who seems to have moved in with us. Then I show him a house where I have clearly excluded him and his kids.  And then I expect him to come and fetch me when I am drunk and he stays Alcohol Free!  Talk about pushing boundaries.

I don’t want to hurt my husband with unkind words. I want to be kind and compassionate towards my husband, and if I cannot do that during an episode, at least shut my mouth or go off in someone else’s ear.  If at all possible, remove myself from the situation. 

• My sister has the power to speak reason into my life during an episode.  My sister has endless patience and insight, and sees me as a pillar of strength.  At the same time, she is quite capable of stepping forward and calling Bullshit. She did exactly that when she sees saw beyond the strength and all the strange behaviour that comes with a hypomanic episode.  Her conversation with me on Monday sorted me out.  I set up an emergency appointment on Tuesday with my new psychiatrist, Dr M, and included Hubby.  A good solid discussion around my actions, which seemed even more out of character the further I got from the weekend.  A change of meds and a follow up appointment this coming week.

I don’t want to cut people out during an episode.  I want to remain open to my sister and always let her know what is going on. 

• My Bestie sticks by me no matter what.  She is able to walk this road with me, despite being in a mentally vulnerable position herself. I spent a night at a hideaway with her the prior weekend, which was for her healing, while I also received her love and support. 

I don’t want to make everything about me during an episode.  I want to reach out and listen to other people’s stories and provide support to them; to shift my focus from myself to others.

Some good learnings, so I am going to post this as a reminder to myself.  Thanks for listening.