You see stupidity, I observe the utter destruction of depression

Oops and here it goes.  The road often traveled moves from A to D incredibly quickly and not even scary for me anymore.  Screw you, I can do this on my own and even if I can’t, what universe feels a blip?

Alone

Harsh and uncaring to those who love me most, the shutters close at a speedy rate.   Forever practical, I plan for the days off work, I plan for re-negotiating the half-sale of my house to my new and committed husband. In other words, no.  And at a far, far emotional distance witness the destruction I create with my words and actions. I become that person who people tiptoe around and don’t understand. I buy cigarettes after two years of being a forever-non-smoker and take the fourth Xanor for the day with my vodka.  The triggers are clear, my reactions predictable, and yet the short-cut to A to D and onto E are familiar and comforting. I am good on my own and if not, well, checking-out and f-u is a viable option.

All this housed within a go-getting, worldly, successful corporate Mom. So banal and middle class. And for Gods sake don’t introduce me to God again.

Let’s see how small I can become.

2 Comments

  1. Nan

    June 26, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    Put the brakes on my friend. It sucks you in and spits you out and then makes you walk the long road home alone. Take one day at a time, frame moments, love yourself and remember what a beautiful person you are. Xxx

  2. Maria

    June 25, 2014 at 10:30 pm

    You can stop this. Decide what you want, what you really want. This is not that.
    Being in control is so last tuesday… look at these millennials. So clueless of what lies ahead, and yet so okay with it.
    You can stop the pattern my beautiful Cogitator. You just have to want to.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: