Part 5. Bipolar and Work.

Bipolar in the work place is tough for the employer and employee

Bipolar is both a blessing and a curse to the people with the diagnosis, and the people who employ them. I am a successful female in the corporate world. What most people don’t know is that I am a successful Bipolar female in the corporate world. I rode the hypomanic episodes of my Bipolar 11 to my own detriment, and success…. and also to the frustration of those around me.  On the home front, being a highly strung working mom was not the person I wanted to be around my kids.

Looking back, I can see that my Bipolar anxiety drove my career, while my hypomania helped drive projects.  But unfortunately, the time-off due to depression is difficult for everyone to manage.  Bipolar episodes and the work place are not an easy mix, and so I have pulled out, 20 years into my career. For my sake and my kids sake.

Bipolar contributes energy, creativity and drive to the work place

I have a strong ‘driver’ type personality. People who worked for me tell me post-fact that they were scared to join my team because they heard I was unfriendly (horror) and all about the work!

But then I look at what I brought to the corporate work place for 20+ years: Bipolar energy, creativity and high drive.  Mixed with my other capabilities, this meant I rose through the ranks and stood out as a high achiever who delivered on the task at hand.

Bipolar contributed to my success as a female in the corporate world

And because this contribution is valued, and because I pushed for higher pay and promotions, I was a ‘successful female’ in the corporate world. I pushed because I felt I could always take on more responsibility.

But the higher, hidden motivator, was fear. I am a financial security nutcase. So not feeling financially secure is a major trigger for depression, and I work extremely hard to avoid that trigger.

Being the breadwinner is an additional motivator but also stress trigger for the Bipolar person

My First Hubby is a special Dad, but not made for the relentlessness of the city. He sees the opportunity and the vision for any business, while the lack of work execution disappoints him. And others are disappointed in his lack of execution.

So I became the front-seat and back-seat driver in our marriage. Not healthy for anyone, Bipolar or no, and not healthy for our partnership. The combination of work pressure and resentment were key Bipolar triggers, year after year, especially after our second child was born. We divorced after 10 years of marriage.

Choosing the right work environment and boss is critical for someone who is Bipolar

What much of my corporate life entailed – moving mountains slowly around boardroom tables

Then it became work pressure of a worse kind.  My boss at my new firm and I did not see eye to eye for three years. I like to row my own boat, had been in senior positions for some time, and was accustomed to some level of autonomy.

It took me a while to realise this was his business – he had built up the practice – and he was nervous about paying my high salary without getting an immediate return.  My boss liked to look over my shoulder to see what I was doing. Literally: over my right shoulder, looking at my screen.

When I wanted to implement some people changes, I was met with huge resistance.  I did get some changes right, because I was bringing in the money, so he let it go.  But without his active support, these initiatives eventually fell apart. I am a change agent and my boss didn’t want change.  Or not in form I intended anyway.  I think this was the final trigger, because people and culture change was very personal to me. When a Bipolar’s passion is squashed too often, resilience breaks down and depression can kick in.

I had two hospital stays during those three years – each towards the end of the year. A combination of work triggers as well as home triggers, including difficulty with accepting my stepson.  These Bipolar episodes in the work place were gracefully accepted by my boss, but they did make him even more nervous – understandably.

Quitting the corporate world has resulted in lower pay, and other stress triggers

So this year, my work life turned on its head. My firm and I parted ways, and I was left floating. And panicked about future cash flow … as in forever cash flow. Yes, fear.

I joined the family business, learnt about operations, brought the business into the 21st century, all the while earning materially less. The trigger here was once again my new boss – my Dad! I am a change agent and my Dad didn’t want change.  So familiar, sigh.

It was also a crap year business-wise, and my Dad suffered from anxiety. Even higher anxiety than my previous boss!  This does not work for me at all.  Combine that with stepson issues and you have another period of depression and a hospital stay, again towards the end of the year.

Working outside of the corporate world has meant more time with my kids

So now I understand the on-going cycles. High energy, hyper focus and input into work leads to eventual disappointment and seasonal change/ end of the year exhaustion and into depression. So what now?

I have settled into my new role within my Dad’s business.  It is back-seat but flexible. I am available to take my kids to school and home early every evening.  For a working mom, this is highly valued.

I am not planning for next year and I am no longer chasing the money. I have enough saved for a conservative retirement, as long as I cover my expenses between now (46) and then. No extra money for expensive post-school study for my kids, major holidays, a new car or renovations. But I have my kids close and that’s enough.

How I feel at home with more time with my kids (not me, standard pic from the net)

Not working in corporate means I can increase my Bipolar meds

Dr L has greater latitude to play with my meds, which has been an unexpected finding in exiting the corporate world. This year’s change in meds plays a big role in my delayed and mellowed attitude. Dr L has re-introduced Seroquel, a anti-psychotic drug, which dulls the senses.

I am unable to function in a corporate environment on this drug.  Sometimes I hate the side-effects of Seroquel:  slow thinking, slow start to the day, lack of excitement with no new ideas or interest in social events. But if it means I don’t react to my new triggers, then I will take it.  I still suffer from depression at work, but can up the mood stabilisers more aggressively if needed.

But I am left with a feeling that there is a lid on my potential

I have this vague idea that I am not living up to my potential: I created and influenced big things, and now I create and influence little things. Then again, I appreciate my short-term thinking and low anxiety levels.

And when I look at how much visibility I have with my kids, this seems like a petty thing to be worried about. A successful female in the corporate world has multiple demands on their time, often resulting in a feeling of not being ‘good enough’ at any of the roles they fulfill. I believe this is a Western condition, Bipolar or not, which many working moms struggle with.

So no conclusions on the work side. I can’t figure out if Bipolar has forced me to slow down and be at home more, which is a fantastic thing for my relationship with my kids. Or if battling with Bipolar in the work place has cut my potential short. I am waiting to see what this new chapter means and if I like it. And where it leads to in the years to come.

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